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Domestic Violence:
Signs of Abuse and Ways to Get Help

There is no excuse for abusive behavior toward you or your children.

Domestic violence is physical, emotional, sexual or psychological abuse coming from a family member or intimate partner. As many as one third of women in the United States are abused. While most domestic violence survivors are women, both men and women can experience domestic violence.

While many see anger as the cause of domestic violence, domestic violence has more to do with power and control. The abuser tries to control the person by belittling her and by making her afraid using a range of tactics both physical and verbal.

Many women who experience domestic violence are financially unable to leave a violent partner. Women in this situation feel bound to their abuser because they do not have enough money to find another place to live and to support their children on their own. For these women, living with the abuser may seem like the best option. This tip sheet is designed to help women recognize the early warning signs of domestic violence and provide a list of resources to help women get out of an abusive relationship.

The Number of Domestic Violence Cases is HIGHER than Reported!
The number of reported domestic violence cases is an underrepresentation. Some women who are in a domestic violence situation are afraid that their abuser will hurt them if they seek help or go to the police. Other women feel embarrassed to report that they have been hurt. For this reason it is hard to know how many women have been affected by domestic violence.

Physical Abuse
Usually, when people think of domestic violence they think of physical abuse. Physical abuse is when an abuser uses force against the person being abused, injuring them or putting them at risk of injury. This type of abuse includes everything from physical restraint to murder.

No matter what the circumstances, physical abuse is unacceptable. The person being abused must understand that they did nothing to deserve this type of treatment, that no person has the right to cause them physical harm and that injuring someone is a crime.

Examples of physical abuse include:
Pushing, throwing, kicking, biting, punching, slapping, grabbing, hitting, beating, battering, bruising, pinching, burning, choking, shaking, breaking bones, assaulting with a weapon, restraining, confinement or any other action that causes bodily harm.

Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse is perhaps the hardest to detect, but is just as serious as physical abuse. Emotional abuse can be verbal or nonverbal and can affect you mentally, psychologically or emotionally.

Examples of emotional abuse include:
Threatening, intimidating, or scaring you into doing what they want; yelling, screaming or name calling; telling you that you are worthless and will never make it without them; constant harassment, public or private embarrassment or making fun of you; criticizing your goals and decision-making; possessiveness; attempting to isolate you from friends and family; using the affects of alcohol or other substances as an excuse for why they put you down; excessive checking up on you or stalking you to make sure you are where you said you would be and sabotaging your goals.

Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse can happen in any relationship, whether or not any other type of abuse is present. The abuser does not have to be a stranger; they can be a spouse or intimate partner. Just because the person is your spouse or intimate partner does not mean that you are required to have sex with them if you don't want to.

Examples of sexual abuse include:
Forcing someone to participate in unwanted sex, performing unsafe or degrading sexual activities, limiting someone’s sexuality and reproductive choices, forcing someone to look at pornography or participate in unwanted acts.

Recognizing Domestic Violence

Early warning signs in your relationship
Many of the behaviors women may interpret as caring, attentive and romantic might actually be early warning signs of domestic violence. Some examples include:

Intrusion: Constantly asks you where you are going, who you are with.

Isolation: Insists that you spend all or most of your time together, cutting you off from friends and family.

Possession and jealousy: Becomes jealous when he sees you casually talking with other people, especially men. Is very vocal in telling others that you are his possession.

Need for control: Displays extreme anger when things do not go his way; attempts to make all of your decisions.

Unknown past / no respect for women: Secretive about past relationships; refers to women with negative remarks.

Threatening with physical violence toward objects: This can include hitting the wall or destroying an object; implying that if they can hurt the object, they can hurt you.

Warning signs that a friend or co-worker might be in danger
There is no way to be sure that someone is being abused, but there are some signs to look out for:

Injuries and Excuses: Bruises and injuries may occur frequently and be in obvious places. This is a tactic used by the abuser to keep the victim isolated at home. In other cases, bruises and other outward injuries never occur. When injuries are seen by others, the one being battered may lie, saying the injuries are accidents.

Absences from Work: When severe beatings or other trauma related to violence occurs, the one being battered may have to take time off from work. Sudden poor work performance due to loss of sleep and other basic needs going unmet, such as food, can signal domestic abuse.


Low Self-Esteem: Some battered women have low self-esteem. Others have a great deal of confidence and esteem in some areas of their life (at work or as a mother) but not within their relationship. A battered woman may believe that she could not make it on her own without her partner and that she is lucky to have him in her life.


Accusations of Having Affairs: This is a common strategy batterers use as an attempt to isolate their partners and as an excuse for abuse. It could include accusations of looking at or wanting to be with other men.


Personality Changes: People may notice that an outgoing person becomes quiet and shy around his/her partner. This happens because the one being battered has to be careful of flirting, talking too loudly or telling the wrong story when in the presence of the one who is abusive to her. Past actions have taught the abused person that it is easier to act a certain way around the batterer to avoid escalation and conflict.


Fear of Conflict: For women experiencing a lot of conflict at home, conflicts with co-workers, friends, relatives and neighbors can create a lot of anxiety. For many, it is easier to give in to whatever someone else wants than to challenge it. Asserting one’s needs and desires begins to feel like a battle, and not worth the risks of losing.


Self-blame: Some one who is being abused may take all of the blame for things that go wrong, or take responsibility for the conflict in their relationship.

Effect on Children
Adults are not the only ones affected by domestic violence. Children often get swept up in the domestic violence situation causing serious problems both in the present and later on in their lives.

Sometimes, the abuser may be abusive to their spouse but not toward their children. Even if your child is not being physically abused, being in an environment where abuse is occurring is very damaging. It often results in low self-esteem, anger problems and can harm their ability to function as adults. Often, an abuser will find ways to use children to manipulate thier mother.

Emotional abuse is very damaging to children, especially early in their life. Such abuse can turn physical or sexual if the child is forced to stay in the situation.

Effect on Work
According to the American Institute on Domestic Violence, 96 percent of battered women experience problems at work due to abuse.

There are many ways that domestic violence can affect women at work. Abusers can disrupt work with threatening phone calls or call and distract their spouse, getting them in trouble with their boss. Women might be absent from work as a result of injuries. The stress of experiencing violence at home can affect a worker's productivity. Employers may be willing to help if made aware of the situation since they do not want to lose a trained employee.

Getting Help
Once you recognize a situation as domestic violence, the first thing to do is find a way out. In the case of an emergency always dial 911. If you are not in immediate danger, get to a safe place and report the problem to the police.

It is important to have a safety plan, whether you are exiting the relationship or not. This could include a signal to neighbors in case you need help. If you have children, be sure to create a safety plan with them so they are able to get help and remain unharmed in an escalated situation. Also, alert their school's office of any protection orders or custody arrangements.

If you are planning to exit the relationship, collecting important documents like birth certificates and Social Security cards can make your transition less complicated.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline, open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, is a good resource. The number is 1-800-799-SAFE or TDD 1-800-787-3224. They can refer you or your friend to a domestic violence shelter to escape from an abuser. Other services such as counseling and job training programs may be offered. The cost is usually on a sliding scale, dependent on a woman’s ability to pay. Other resources are available as well depending on the nature of the abuse.

Resources
For Emergencies dial 911

The National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE

The National Sexual Assault Hotline
1-800-656-HOPE

For more information:
Family Violence Prevention Fund
383 Rhode Island St., Suite 304
San Francisco, CA 94103-5133
Phone: (415) 252-8900
www.endabuse.org

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
P.O. Box 18749
Denver, CO 80218
Phone: (303) 839-1852
www.ncadv.org

For safety plan guidelines:
The National Center for Victims of Crime
www.ncvc.org
Hotline: 1-800-FYI-CALL
TTY: 1-800-211-7996
Phone: (202) 467-8700

For legal help:
The National Legal Aid and Defender Association
Phone: (202) 452-0620
www.nlada.org

American Bar Association (ABA)
www.abanet.org

Additional Resources
Institute on Domestic Violence in the African American Community
180 McNeal Hall
University of Minnesota
1985 Buford Avenue
St. Paul, MN 55108-6142
Phone: 1-877-643-8222
www.dvinstitute.org

Asian & Pacific Islander Institute on Domestic Violence
450 Sutter Street Suite 600,
San Francisco CA 94108
Tel: (415) 954-9988 ext. 315
Fax: (415) 954-9999
E-mail: apidvinstitute@apiahf.org
www.apiahf.org

Native American Domestic Violence Resources
Tribal Court Clearinghouse
click here for web site

Hispanic/Latino Organization - Ayuda, Inc.
1736 Columbia Road, N.W.
Washington, D.C. 20009
(202) 387-4848
www.ayudainc.org

Teen resources - See it and Stop it
www.seeitandstopit.org

This tip sheet is strictly for informational purposes and does not constitute legal advice or representation. For legal advice, consult an attorney who has thorough knowledge of current laws and your issues of concern.

Tip sheet last updated 7/07